Dispatches from the East

Toilets. There I said it. China basically uses squatter toilets. I think you get the picture. More and more places are bringing in Western-style toilets. Fortunately, that's what my apartment has! You can't judge just by looking whether or not a place will have a squatter or a regular toilet. It's obviously more of an "issue" for women here. The other thing that's really strange is how none of the bathrooms have any tissue. None. I don't even want to think about the implications of it all. Please send me more Purell.

I had a nice lunch on Tuesday with two young men from the State Council of the People's Republic of China.

From Answers.com:
"The State Council, which is largely synonymous with the Central People's Government, is the chief administrative authority of the People's Republic of China. It is chaired by the Premier and includes the heads of each governmental department and agency. There are about 50 members in the Council. In the politics of the People's Republic of China, the Central People's Government forms one of three interlocking branches of power, the others being the Communist Party of China and the People's Liberation Army. The State Council directly oversees the various subordinate People's Governments in the provinces, and in practice maintains an interlocking membership with the top levels of the Communist Party of China creating a fused center of power."

So basically, it was like these guys worked in the White House press office and were responsible for the media operations of all the other ministries (federal departments). They each spoke beautiful English and were very nice. One of them had been assigned to me (my minder). He told me that I wouldn't have a problem in Beijing with the language because “everyone” spoke English. I didn't want to burst his bubble!

They told me that they have many plans in the coming months to “change China's image” to the outside world. Clearly most of it is Olympics-related. They've also been organizing media exchanges with other countries, most recently in Austria. They are very proud of their state-run CCTV. I told him I wish my job had been so easy when I worked for a government official – pick up the phone and order up a story!

One of the guys offered me a “friendship" toast which I thought was really nice.

My minder was very concerned about my dietary habits. He wanted to explain each dish to me. It really helps going out to eat with a local. Some “chicken” I had the other night turned out to be duck! He wanted to know if I knew how to use chopsticks. I told him I was learning and that it would be really painful for him to watch. I actually thought I was getting a lot better. I apparently offended the wait staff so much that they brought over a fork and knife! Embarrassing. She put them in front of me and then held out her hands for the chopsticks. I'm sure she was thinking, “Give them to me, American mongrel.” I waved her off. How else am I supposed to learn unless I make an ass out of myself? I must say that watching the Chinese eat with their chopsticks is really elegant. They make it look so easy and graceful.

Scarlet had a really bad day at work on Tuesday. She feels that she's not being treated fairly and is very angry. She's thinking about quitting. She called her father at one point and was crying that she wanted to come home. He gently reminded that she's going to Kent University in the fall to get a master's degree in international conflict negotiations. I wouldn't be surprised if by the time you read this she's gone. Very sad.

We decided to go to an area of town that is more urban. Scarlet was missing western food so we ate at The Pizza Company. It was good stuff. The menu was in English and the servers spoke English. Scarlet loves drinking these “tea milk” things. They have flavored tapioca balls in the bottom of the glass. It's just not appealing to me.

We wandered around and went into a mall. It was so nice. There's an ice skating rink on the ground level. We watched for several minutes as little kids were practicing their ice skating. There was also a Dairy Queen/Orange Julius place. I got very excited because I found a pharmacy that sold lots of western products. They had some of the toughest things to find here: dental floss, deodorant, and shaving cream. I'll be going back!

Scarlet laughed because you know how the nice department stores have the makeup counters? In the United States the typical brands would be the most expensive: Estee Lauder, Clinique, etc. The makeup counters here were for Revlon and Maybelline!

There was a newsstand selling magazines and I ran over to look. I subscribe to over 20 periodicals back home and I'm going through magazine withdrawal. Unfortunately, they were all in Mandarin. They seem to be rather obsessed with Cate Blanchett – she was on three different covers!

I've written about the nice young man in my office named Nick before. He has a really hard time pronouncing the letter “g” so he calls me “Flan.” I didn't realize it like the first week, but I kept hearing it. Then today I saw him looking at me and saying it! I felt bad. He must have thought I was really focused on my work!

The Chinese absolutely love Snoopy. He's featured on a lot of products and kids of all ages have the Snoopy icon on their clothes and backpacks. Even people who drive have Snoopy seat covers in their cars! I'm sure the Peanuts company loves being popular in such a large market.

The Chinese don't quite appreciate how much Americans love the Internet. Apparently my apartment has had Internet access all along I just don't know how to use it yet. I was talking to the office manager, Tan Lu, about possibly getting a wireless card that would allow me to have access all over the city. She had the “computer expert” in the office and we were talking. She was telling me about the various packages. There was one that would have given me 30 hours a month. I told her that wasn't enough. She was incredulous! “What do you mean that not enough? You have to work during the week. 30 hour a month plenty!” Nick was later asking me about my Internet situation. He told me I could go to the Internet cafes. I said that I'd been but I'd really like to have Internet at home and just relax. “You no need at home. You go sightsee.” I asked him if he had Internet at home and he said “No.” I guess we just really like the Net!

The one English channel I have at home is going to show a 19-part documentary series titled “The Japanese Aggression.” I guess they think we need to be indoctrinated against the Japanese as well!

I went to a really nice mall called SoShow. It's probably 7 levels and has one level that's a food court and another that's a movie theater. The stores were all selling really trendy clothes and shoes. There was one floor that was devoted to vendors selling things that you would expect to see in Spencer Gifts or Claire's Jewelry. Just aisles and aisles of pure junk. A lot of the salespeople in this mall spoke English. They got kind of angry when they would approach and I would wave them off. “I speak English!” Oh! Sorry! This is where you've been hiding. There was one store that was selling nothing but items related to “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”

One of the girls in my office, Judy, wrote a letter in English. Obviously it wasn't written correctly but I got the “gist” of what she was saying. I told her that she did a good job. She smiled. It was like the first work-related compliment she'd ever received. “I wish you my manager.”

The first time I got sick here was from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ironic, isn't it? KFC is HUGE in China. They are by far the dominant American food brand in China. Technically, both KFC and Pizza Hut are owned by Yum! Brands and each has a lot of locations in China. KFC has all but abandoned the U.S. market (which is obvious if you’ve been inside one recently), and has set their sights on expanding in China. I don't know what it was that I ate that didn't agree with me.

Friday night our coworkers took us to the area where we could “be with the other foreigners.” It's called the Sanlitun Bar Street. I'd heard so much about this area that I was really, really excited to go. What a disappointment. We were meeting everyone there and took a cab to the Worker's Stadium. We had to walk a couple of blocks to get there. As soon as I got out of the cab I noticed a black man walking down the street. Scarlet was just saying earlier that day how much she missed diversity. We started walking down the street when I noticed the black man had caught up with us. I got the “fight or flight” instinct in my system. Scarlet just started chatting with him. He was stunned that she spoke English, again assuming that she was Chinese. He said he was here from South Africa on “business.” He got away from Scarlet and sidled up to me. “Hey man, you want some weed or coke?” “No thanks.” Given China's notoriously strict drug laws – with convictions resulting in capital punishment – I was stunned that he was doing this so openly, on a major street. He walked away.

We found a really bizarre place to eat. I think it was called the W. Music and Food Bar and it offers “the best Swedish food in China.” Out of total curiosity, we went in. There were very few people in there (this place is away from the main strip of bars), and the few people who were there were playing ping pong in the middle of the restaurant! This place was billing itself as a “sports bar” so there were different TV's tuned to different games and the walls were lined with photographs of Swedish athletes. I guess the Swedes are renowned for their ping pong playing ability.

After dinner we walked around some. The entire area felt seedy and unsafe. How unfortunate for the area known as the place where the “foreigners” commingle. Another South African man asked me if I “needed anything.” Apparently the South African's have taken over this little corner of Beijing for their importing business.

We found a store selling nothing but pirated DVD's and CD's. The selection was amazing. If I sent you one of the movies you would never know that it was fake. The box artwork is that good. I understand know why Hollywood is so outraged by China's total lack of regard for intellectual property. I assumed that all the fake DVD's were being sold by people in the street. This store was making money hand over fist. The place was crawling with Europeans.

The main street was littered with beggars. One little boy followed me and grabbed my coat arm and came down the street with us a REALLY long way. I couldn't believe it. He was obviously told to do it by his parents. Scarlet started crying right there because “it's so sad.” I finally wrangled the little boy off me.

Similar to the area where we went known as Ho High, all the bars have the guys standing outside begging you to come in. When we finally chose one, the guys were SO happy. “Thank you!” They only get paid by the number of people they can lure in. The place itself was fine – a bit small. There was a band and they were singing different international songs.

The Chinese don't walk. No, it is a truly a flow. They flow in and out of stores, across streets, and particularly down into subways. In fact, it is quite possible that the Chinese might collectively form a new type of matter, a gaseous liquid. For their shape changes, but yet so does their volume! Put 1,000 people on a street, they spread out to cover it evenly. Put 1,000 people in a subway car, they pack into it. It is a feat worthy of witnessing, but oddly at this point I am participant more than anything else.Indeed I somehow now flow as well.

I haven't written in awhile. So much has gone on and has time passed. Things that were initially novel are now seeming normal. Not totally normal, mind you. For example, it was quite a shock when I went to “the” place in Beijing for Peking duck and it was served with the head! “Hi little guy, you sure are tender!” The appetizer course was the kidney and heart of the bird. Fortunately I'd read about in my guidebook, so I knew to avoid it!

The spitting here is still taking some getting used to. The spits aren't silent. It's like a real long scoffing sound and then they produce the phlegm. I met a young American girl who told me she sat next to an old woman on the Metro and the woman had a plastic sack out and the entire trip kept spitting in it.

Scarlet and I discovered this cute little coffee shop called “Woodbury Hut.” According to the literature, the place was founded in the vicinity of Harvard University, “a famous university.” It was really cute in there and the Mocha I ordered was delicious. Anyway, you know the swishing sound that happens when the steam wand is put in the cold milk? When Scarlet heard it she thought someone was getting ready to spit in the coffee shop. That's the sound they make before they spit! We cracked up because the sounds are eerily similar.

We went to the Forbidden City on Sunday. It was a gorgeous day and the first kind of spring day we've had. First of all, I need to go back to the Forbidden City. I didn't have nearly enough time. It's SO huge. I saw the infamous Starbucks that members of the Chinese legislature want shut down. Can you blame them? Can you imagine the indignant outrage Americans would have if a noodle shop opened at Monticello?

When we were walking in, this Chinese man came up to me. “Are you American?” I immediately felt this sense of dread – what kind of scam was this? He said that he was from a painting school and his school was going to have an exhibition in San Francisco in the fall. He wanted me to pick out which paintings “the Americans” would like. Yes, because clearly we all have the same tastes.

He escorted us to a side room in one of the corridors at the Forbidden City. The art was actually really nice. There were different varieties of work. He was obviously really proud of it all. He gave me lots of insight. He pointed to certain types of art and would say that this type of art takes 10 years to master and this type of art takes 40 years. He told me if I really want to understand Chinese culture I need to learn about the art. I thought that was such an interesting comment. He said the difference between Japanese and Chinese art is that the Japanese want to tell a story in their paintings and the Chinese are more focused on technique. He took us around and gave us some background on each painter. He was from a town that is 12 hours away from Beijing by train. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't try to do a “hard sell.” I really think he just wanted my opinion.

Nonetheless, Scarlet, who knows NOTHING about buying something from people like this, swung into action. She pointed at a painting that cost 1200RMB and announced, “I really like this one!” Oh no, she didn't, I thought. That changed everything. Then he turned into the salesman. She kept asking me, “Should I buy it? Is it a good price? What should I do?” Yeah, because clearly I'm an expert at Chinese art. He kept pressing me to lend her the money to buy the painting. Long story short because she “felt bad” she bought a crappy little painting for 200RMB. She had to lug it throughout the Forbidden City all afternoon. Sigh....

After we were done at the Forbidden City, we walked across the street to Tiananmen Square. It was just the BEST day to be there! The sky was so clear. Lots of people were flying kites there and it made it really fun and festive. I couldn't believe how high they were soaring. It was kind of scary. One man offered his kite to me “to try” but I figured that he would demand payment after or I would lose my grip and it would fly away. I really just liked walking in the square.

I love drinking tea, I really do. What SHOCKS me though is how expensive it is here. In most restaurants a pot of tea is more expensive than the nice meals. I can eat a decent meal for about 20RMB. A pot of tea can cost 40-50RMB. I just think that's too expensive. I'll stick with “shh-sway” (water).

The Chinese seem to have about two outfits that are clearly for work. They seem to wear them in cycles. One girl, Judy, wore a pair of blue jeans with a pink stripe down the side for two weeks. Now we've entered a cycle where she's wearing blue sweat pants with a white stripe down the side. At least she's consistent! Judy's the one who idolizes Reese Witherspoon. I wonder what SHE would think of these fashion choices?

I went to the Pearl Market on Sunday. It's like a four-story mall. They sell pearls, but lots of other things as well. This is where I bought a computer headset in order to use my laptop as a telephone. They wanted to sell me “USB cords.” I guess most white people who go through here are tourists and they need a cord to charge their iPods into an electrical outlet.

There were tons of Europeans here. I'm sorry, I don't like them. Sorry to be so harsh and cast such a wide net. I'll modify it: I don't like the Europeans who travel to China. Satisfied? You know how Americans always feel this natural connection with each other? When you hear an American accent there's kind of a bond? I assumed it would be the same with the English-speaking peoples of Europe. Nope. They are so haughty. I really hope that most Chinese don't think these people are American. Say what you will, but when I compare us to them (Europeans) I am REALLY proud of us. Rah, rah! We are nice and kind people. We care about other people's lives and welfare. We know it won't kill us to offer a gentle smile. Or if you overhear someone asking a question (“I wonder what's on the 5th floor?”), it won't shorten your life to offer some advice (Could the blond woman from England have managed “They sell the most beautiful black pearls on that level.” Apparently not!).

I e-mailed most of you about “My Comcast Horror Story.” I did receive a response from customer service (talk about a misnomer) and they said that they are in the process of changing their billing systems and I received the bill in error. What was interesting was how many responses I got from people throughout the country with their own tales of Comcast's incompetence and, I suspect, intentional attempts to bilk customers. Be very careful when dealing with them. SAVE EVERYTHING!

By and large, I love the food I'm eating. The biggest problem is sometimes just not knowing what it is that you’re actually ordering. I'm finding that I really love the spicy stuff. I guess it's the Sichuan style. It's so good. Sometimes the servers or people I'm eating with want to “warn” me that it's hot. One person at a lunch was adamant that I wouldn't like these spicy green beans. I almost ate all of it! I tried explaining that the area of the country where I'm from serves hot food and I'm used to it. It's still cute that they want to alert me to my impending doom. I have seen dog listed on some menus. I need to learn the Mandarin character for it because not all the places have English on the menus.

I was walking around with Nick when I saw this place called “Fancy Blind Massage.” What the heck? Turns out that there are parlors where all the masseurs are blind. You know how when you lose one of your senses the others improve? Supposedly these blind people give the best massage you'll ever have. While I'm glad they found jobs for these individuals, it just strikes me as real creepy. Real creepy.

It must be nice to be a government official in China and pass any law that you want. In China the laws take effect the day after they are passed. Not even a phase-in. There was an article about some “crowd control” laws the Chinese legislature passed recently in advance of the Olympics. I went on the China Daily web site and couldn't find any kind of explanation as to what the new laws actually do. What triggers them? I suspect large groups of people wearing “Free Tibet” t-shirts will be subject to the new laws.